What if world leaders were characters in The Sims?

Credit: iRawss Danbruen

 Ok, so I realise that a 'first post' should be a personal introduction about how I'm new to blogging and how I've always enjoyed writing, but never thought anyone would want to read it.  But that's pretty boring.  And, chances are, if you're reading this you already know me (iya).

So in lieu of that, I've written a short story about how I think a game of The Sims would play out with major world leaders (and Theresa May) as NPC characters, left to their own devices.  

I was planning to actually create the characters in the game, but I couldn't find anyone who owned The Sims and fuck paying £40 for a copy.

 CHARACTERS:

Donald Trump – trust-fund pseudo-businessman/entertainer/US President

Theresa May – puritanical baby-eater/British PM

Kim Jong Un – isolated dictator/plays Nintendo alone in bedroom in the dark

Vladimir Putin – reptilian ex-KGB spy who probs eats raw beef like an alligator

Xi Jinping – i know nothing about Xi Jinping

STARTING POSITIONS:

Trump has inherited a vast estate, 63 million Sims credits and is currently relaxing next to a swimming pool shaped like a palm tree.

Theresa May is in a large country manor, practising how to smile in a mirror.

Kim Jong Un is, inexplicably, playing snooker in his underpants.  He is surrounded by thin-looking bodyguards and seems to be losing, despite being the only person playing.

Vladimir Putin is in a garden shed.  No one knows what he’s up to.  He keeps coming out to get supplies from Xi Jinping…. What’s he building in there?

Xi Jinping is eating dinner in a big house. I don’t know anything about Xi Jinping.

--

CHAPTER 1: PUTIN / JINPING (Here we go!)

- Vladimir Putin has just left his garden shed.  Again, no-one is sure what he’s building in there, but he sure looks upbeat.

- He wanders over to Xi Jinping’s house.

A graceful pentatonic doorbell melody rings out.

- Xi Jinping answers the door.

- Putin has his hands behind his back. Mysterious…

--

PUTIN: “Hello friend. I have brought you some Russian ice cream!”

JINPING: “Oh man, I love that shit. Nice one!”

PUTIN: “Ha ha! I thought you might like that. Anyways… I’ll see you later”

JINPING: “Oh… don’t you wanna stay for dinner? I’ve just made some roast lamb”

PUTIN “Thanks, but I really can’t.  I’m… in the middle of something…”

JINPING: “Ok. Well, you’re welcome round mine any time.”

PUTIN” “See ya mate”

--

CHAPTER 2: MAY / TRUMP 

A shrill, tuneless voice is humming ‘Rule Britannia’.

- Theresa May is knitting a union jack cardigan, and has paused Downton Abbey on her Sims TV set because it’s time for a cup of tea.  

- The phone rings.  Her indentured servant, Peeves, answers and promptly informs May that Donald Trump is on the line.

- May looks longingly at the image on the screen.  Henry and Mary are about to get married.  The décor, the dresses…it’s all so beautiful. She sighs, puts down her knitting needles, and takes the call.

--

MAY: “Mr President! What a pleasant surprise! How may I be of service?”

TRUMP: “Etno neno hefi shloopy! This grah is fretashay! HAHAHA!” *

* IMPORTANT: for reasons unknown, Trump is only Sims character that still seems to be speaking the Sims’s gibberish language, Simlish, despite the fact I have changed the language settings to English.  Luckily, I am fluent in Simlish and have agreed to act as Mr Trump’s translator for the remainder of the game.  

translation activated

TRUMP: “Good afternoon Theresa! This grah is fretashay! HAHAHA!”

MAY: “hahahaha *cry-laughing emoji* You’ll have to excuse me, Mr President, but may I ask why you’re ringing?”

TRUMP: ”Well… the thing is, Theresa, it’s a big thing. Big changes around here. Property, real estate, houses, everything. I was walking around earlier and BOOM. There it was. Big new house! Big houses being built everywhere.  Great, bigly expansion – jobs, property, real estate, all of that.  Great.  But the people in the houses??  I don't know. I've got a bad feeling.”

MAY: “Errrm…Mr President? Was that a question?”

TRUMP: “Oh right, yeah.  It has come to my attention that the property next to yours belongs to Mr Kim June One. Jim Kum On. You know who I mean.  Foreign fella.”

MAY: “Why…yes…. he lives next door. Very quiet man - keeps himself to himself.  I rarely see him“

TRUMP: “Does he look happy? Like he’s laughing at me? Little happy Buddha man.”

MAY: “...errrm, I’m not sure I follow, Mr President, but listen, I will assist you in any way I can.”

TRUMP: “Good, ok. Right, ummm, I need to teach this clown a lesson. He’s been calling me, umm, sad names, and I need to embarrass him. Show him, y'know, who’s boss”

MAY: “Oh, how machiavellian!  Hmmmm… ok, listen, maybe you could… damn this is good... you could punch some holes in his ceiling! It’s been hella drizzly in Simsville the past few days – he’ll get drenched!  Hahaha I'm so naughty! I’ll put you in touch with my estate agents – they can forward you the building details!”

TRUMP: “Your whats?”

MAY: “My… oh… that’s what we say in England for ‘realtors'.

TRUMP: “You guys are so quaint! Crumpets and tea! Plooey sharbe darbe!  The holes-in-the-ceiling idea sounds great, Theresa! The best! Ok!”

MAY: “hahaha, no problem. I’ll pass on the details to your people. Ok Mr President?”

TRUMP: “Sure thing baby! Smell ya later! Bon voyage!”

--

CHAPTER 3: JONG UN / TRUMP 

(aka The Finale)

- A whole day has passed.  Kim Jong Un is sat on a sofa in a dark room, lit up by a large TV screen.  He is playing Mario Kart 8 Deluxe in his underwear. 

- His current emotion is insecure; he’s playing as Bowser, but deep down he knows he is Toad. 

- He has set the difficulty rating to ‘Easy’, and soon catches up to third place.

- Earlier in the day, Trump sent the entire US military on a covert mission to poke holes in Kim Jong Un’s ceiling.  The mission took 45 minutes, and cost approximately 3 billion Sims credits.

- Trump has just rung Kim Jong Un, unaware of the fact that: A) it is not raining, and B) Kim Jong Un is moving house tomorrow, away from Simsville.

--

JONG UN: “Hello?”

TRUMP: “How’s the weather over there? You caught a cold yet?"

JONG UN: “What? Who's this?”

TRUMP: “Do you need an umbrella?”

JONG UN: “You fucking what mate? Is this Donald Trump?”

TRUMP: “YOUR CEILING HAS HOLES IN IT! HUNDREDS OF THEM! BECAUSE OF ME, YOUR ENTIRE LOFT IS FLOODED”

JONG UN: “No it’s not! It’s not even raining!”

TRUMP: “WHAT?!”

JONG UN: “I’m moving house tomorrow! You big idiot! You’re a big idiot Donald Trump!”

TRUMP: “FUCK YOU”

At this point, Donald Trump’s Sims character becomes enraged and marches to Kim Jong Un’s house, wielding an umbrella.

Kim Jong Un spots Trump from his window and shouts “Hey big idiot! It’s not even raining!” 

Trump’s emotion changes from enraged to incensed. 

On a rooftop nearby, Vladimir Putin is watching Trump and Kim Jong Un’s umbrella fight and is literally crying with laughter. His emotion has changed to total bantercide.  Xi Jinping is sat on a deckchair next to him, concentrating on his delicious pistachio-flavoured ice cream.

Theresa May, so focused on the events of Downton Abbey, hasn’t noticed the commotion outside, nor – perhaps more importantly – the 5 million angry Scottish Sims on her lawn.  Their emotions range from pure scunnered to murderous.  

May slowly puts down her knitting needles, closes her curtains, and starts to hum the national anthem.

Trump, battered, bruised, and missing his expensive Sims’ DLC hairpiece, manages to kill Kim Jong Un with the umbrella. 

But in The Sims… Death is only the beginning.

Minutes pass, and Kim Jong Un has returned as a ghost.  

Trumps eyes drop down to the ground.  The rage has left him now.  It's over.

JONG UN: “Hey big idiot! You’re a big idiot Donald Trump! “

Trump’s emotion has changed to crestfallen.